My December
by Depressed Shadows
Summary: After a fight, Horo sits alone in the snow contemplating...and writing.. Song fic to Linkin Park's My December, HoroRen, mentions of adult themes, yaoi.


**My December**

Shadows: DON'T kill me for not updating in goodness knows how many months... I had stressful exams and such! And I hit a writers block... (BIG writer's block) But we're back now! Kitty!

Kitty: Shadows' doesn't own Shaman King. She has however, found a new passion for Beyblade. - So I will be kicking her ass to write Shaman King still..

Shadows: A nice bit of Horo/Ren fluff. And I'm gonna be really nice and use Linkin Park's My December and give you a song-fic. Be nice, review, and I'll see what I can do about Seductive Lies... (Why did I leave off?)

And, if you do want to contact me, (and I haven't updated ) you can find me through DeviantART, there's a link to my DA page through my profile. Special thanks to DragonStorm85, who's been really patient and supportive throughout my writers block! Thanks girl, you rock!

Anyway.. On with teh ficcie...

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

_This is my December  
__This is my time of year  
__This is my December  
__This is all so clear._

You know I never meant everything I said - don't you?

You understand, please understand, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant any of it. Just a simple, petty fight, and I hurt you more than words can say.

If I could, I would take back every little word I said. Everything I did to hurt you. Everything that's left me here, out in the cold December snow, wishing I had someone to keep me warm still.

Okay, so maybe I am used to the cold. I come from the North, after all. But that doesn't stop the cold inside. This numbing pain and guilt of hurting the one who means everything and anything to me.

It took me long enough to get you to trust me. Long enough to show you that I'm not the immature shaman you met all those years ago anymore. I've grown up too you know. I care about the world around me, because you _are_ my world.

Sounds corny, I know. But this isn't a romantic fairytale. I still love you, and you know it.

_This is my December  
__This is my snow covered home  
__This is my December  
T__his is me all alone_

We've been through a lot, - don't you think? We fought a lot at one point. I didn't understand you, and you didn't understand me. The Shaman Tournament was just another obstacle in your destiny. As was I. Everyone was. But you still loved us. You still cared about us. Apart from Chocolove, - you never really warmed to him much. And I understand that, at least me and Ryu were intelligent occasionally. And we knew when to leave you alone.

People are hard to reach sometimes. I have trouble remembering how different you and Jun are at times. She is so very opposite to you. Whereas you prefer to hide away from the world, she wanted to know more about it. Don't get me wrong, you wanted to know about the world that your father had hidden away from you, but you preferred it one step at a time.

It's not as if everything was so, complicated back then. Yoh had Anna, (well when, he was interested.) Ryu was still looking for his 'shaman queen'. Morty was, well Morty. Faust had Eliza. And you? You had no one.

Until I came along. I made you trust me. You gave me your heart and soul, and what have I done to you?

I ripped everything apart with one simple argument.

_And I  
__Just wish I didn't feel  
__Like there was something I missed  
__And I  
__Take back all the things I said  
__To make you feel like that  
__And I  
__Just wish I didn't feel  
__Like there was something I missed  
__And I  
__Take back all the things I said to you_

Do you still care about me? You must do, it's not as if someone like you willingly throws their trust around. The selected few who are even worthy of life in your presence are lucky.

I feel like a complete bastard for what I've done, alright? Everything we had, no still have between us was special. It's something we, and only we had. You showed me a part of you that's mine and mine alone. That little space in your heart where you keep me. Safe and warm from those who disapprove of us. Those like Anna, and Chocolove.

Anna disapproved from the moment she found out. (Which we still have Ryu to blame for, but he's a simple minded guy..) As long as I was nowhere near her Yoh, I could have you. Selfish bitch. Only cares about herself, and the upbringing of the Asakura family. Yoh has never been happy there at all, and it was at least something you and Hao agreed on for once. Yoh really was too weak and submissive with Anna. Content to sit in his place and do what he was supposed to do, - at the stake of his happiness.

You were never going to do what was expected of you. That wasn't your style. If you wanted something, you normally went out and got it, and woe betide anyone who stood in your way. That's the thing about you that I love. That strong and powerful aura that clings to every inch of you. Yet I still love the softer, more submissive side you show me, that side you keep locked away, released in the waves of passion when we make love.

It's a beautiful thing, love.

Can't you understand what I'm saying? I'm out here all alone in the snow because you won't talk to me. Hell, you hardly even look me in the eye, and it hurts.

It hurts a lot.

_And I give it all away  
__Just to have somewhere to go to  
__Give it all away  
__To have someone to come home to_

_This is my December  
__These are my snow covered dreams  
__This is me pretending  
__This is all I need_

You always were an arrogant bastard. I hated you for that. It took me hours of persuasion to get you to see things my way sometimes. I know I hurt you, and I wish I hadn't, but can't you just swallow your pride for once, and talk to me?

I tried to talk to you three weeks ago. I tried every day after, and eventually I gave up. Please, can't you see that you're choking anything that's left between us?

Not as if you can hear me. Not as if you're inside my head. Not as if you will ever read what my frost-bitten fingers are scribbling away on this paper. I'm going to burn this you know. Or at least make sure it hits the trash can dead on.

You know whatever happens - I'll still be here. When everyone else deserts you, I'll still be standing right here beside you. If you can bear to even look at me.

Now look, I'm crying again. There's a blob of smudged ink on the paper. I cried three weeks ago, and I cried nearly every night after. It's breaking my heart in two. I said some bad things, I hurt you. I caused you pain, but can't you see that I'm sorry?

I am sorry, I am truly so sorry that I hurt you so much. I never meant to cause this giant rift between us.

Please forgive me. Please.

_And I  
__Just wish I didn't feel  
__Like there was something I missed  
__And I  
__Take back all the things I said  
__To make you feel like that  
__And I  
__Just wish I didn't feel  
__Like there was something I missed  
__And I  
__Take back all the things I said to you_

I want you back, you know. You thought you had to be perfect to get anywhere in life. But you and I both know that it's only one more of the lies your father put into your head. I love you as you are, imperfections and arrogance, I love every single thing about you that makes you, you.

And now, my whole world has crumbled, and cracked, and shattered into a thousands pieces around me.

Please give me one more chance. Please.

I love you, and you know it. Don't turn your back on me, please don't. That only makes it hurt more. I gave you long enough to calm down, and you still turn my sorrows against me.

I know it's my fault. I know that. There's no need to remind me. Just give me one more chance.

To make things work between us. I know we can, I just know it.

_And I give it all away  
__Just to have somewhere to go to  
__Give it all away  
__To have someone to come home to_

Please come back to me. Please come and help me heal this. You were never one for talking, but when we needed to, you always did.

It's kinda colder out here now. Maybe I'll stay long enough, and then the cold will freeze over the pain, and hurt, and regret.

But then, you'll never read this, so what's the point of writing it?

You don't love me, and I don't blame you. I caused too much damage to ever hope for anything to get better between us.

_This is my December  
__This is my time of the year  
__This is my December  
__This is all so clear. _

If I could take it back, if I could change it and make it better, I would.

But I can't.

So hate me. Go on, tell me you hate me. I deserve it.

_And I give it all away  
__Just to have somewhere to go to  
__Give it all away  
__To have someone to come home to_

I deserve everything you have to throw at me. I miss you so much, but I doubt you feel the same.

I still love you.

I'll always love you, Tao Ren.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Shadows: T-T AWW! That was one of the sweetest things I've written! I think about anybody will guess who the letter was from, and who it was too, but in case you're too stupid, it was from Horo Horo to Ren... Bad Horo did some bad things.. Poor guy is a bit lonely...

Kitty: Make a fic out of it! Make a fic out of it!

Shadows: No... I have too much coursework to do for my bigscaryexamsthatdecidemyfutureandomgIamSOscared! Anyway...A few reviews would be lovely guys.. I don't deserve it either after that long wait I gave you...


End file.
